I just realised that in all the excitement (hah!) of getting Simon down to his mum's, I forgot to write about my forthcoming surgery, and my pre-op assessment, which was last Tuesday.

( Just getting there was a saga in itself... )
We were actually seen pretty promptly, firstly by a nurse who went through all the usual medical history questions... allergies (penicillin), ever had anaesthetic before (no), medications taken (nice to meet someone who knows how to spell amitriptyline hydrochloride), someone to look after you afterwards and do all the housework (yes, and what's new? heehee)... etc.

Then she dropped the bombshell that I won't be having one surgical procedure... I'll be having two!! They've decided to do a laparoscopy at the same time as the hysteroscopy, presumably to save time later, which I suppose is quite logical and saves me having to go through all this again and is an efficient use of the National Health resources... but it was a bit of a shock!

I was then sent off to a doctor who examined my abdomen and listening to my lungs and heart, etc. I was heartbroken to note she wrote on her chart, "Abdomen soft" - damn, must restart my sit-up regime!

Then it was off to another nurse to have my bp checked and to give a pee and blood sample. Simon was most interested in the blood sample and asked loads of questions... "Are you going to give that blood to someone else?" - No, it's to look at to make sure your mum's healthy, we can tell a lot from looking at someone's blood. "Oh. So what happens to it afterwards, does it get thrown away?" - Yes, it gets chucked out. "Well where do you put it, in the dustbin?" - Oh no, it goes in the incincerator. "What's an inspinerator?" - Well, er, it's like a big bonfire. "Oh. But what if someone breathed in the fumes, could they get sick, if the blood wasn't healthy?" - (stifling giggles and sharing sideways glances with me) Oh no, it's all done safely, don't worry. "Oh. So, how come it doesn't go all gooey, how do you keep it runny?"

I eventually rescued the poor woman by telling Simon that she had other patients to see, but if he wanted to know all about it we could get a book out of the library ;-)

So that was it, I was pronounced fit to have the op and it's now just two days away. I have to ring the hospital at 6am on the day to make sure they've got a bed for me, I suppose in case they have an emergency admission the night before or something. Bloody hell, I hope not. Then we've got to be there at 7.30am and I should go down "some time before midday" and hopefully I'll be able to go home that evening. If by 9pm I can keep some food down and I'm compos mentis that is, otherwise they keep me in. I fucking hope not, I shall be gasping for a fag by then!

The nurse was kind enough to fill me in on all the icky after effects I can expect. From the hysteroscopy nothing much, just a bit of bruising and maybe some bleeding - that's the one to look inside the uterus. But from the laparoscopy, which examines the outside of the womb, they go in through the belly-button and they will pump me full of air so they can have a good look, so apparently I can expect severe indigestion pain for at least 24 hours. Lovely. Of course the gas won't be in my stomach, so it's not just a case of having a good belch and a fart, either - it has to kind of slowly seep out. Juliette at work told me when she had one she had terrible joint pain afterwards, particularly in her shoulders, as apparently the air travels upwards trying to escape (makes sense, I suppose.) So I've got that to look forward to. Wonderful. Oh, and I get to have stitches as well, which the nurse advised me to have the practise nurse at the surgery take out instead of waiting for them to dissolve.

So that was it, we scooted back to the car which was thankfully unticketed, although we were about 30 minutes over the allotted hour.

So in just two days I will be going through a whole gamut of firsts:

• First ever surgical procedure (having verrucas burnt out probably doesn't count, does it? Didn't think so)


• First ever anaesthetic


• First ever stitches

I realise I am being a bit of a wuss and whittling on about this, but at the ripe old age of 31 it's a bit much to be honest! I am getting quite nervous when I think about it, so I'm glad I'm working right up until Wednesday, cos if I was off the day before I'd probably have worked myself up into a real state.

Actually the thing I'm most dreading is not being able to drink anything from 5am that morning until after they're done. I normally drink so much water all day that my tongue's going to feel like a piece of dusty old carpet in my mouth :-p

Oh well, best get off to bed for the night, lots to do at work tomorrow to get things ready for my 10 days absense...

Time to catch some more up on the shitstorm my life has been for the past week or so.

Since "cock-up kings Capita" took our call centre over at the beginning of April, things have just gone from bad to worse. Initially, at the consultation meetings with these people before the takeover, we were given assurances like "There will be no redundancies" and "It's unlikely that you'll see any major changes within the first 6 months." Well that wasn't worth the paper it was written on.

The first thing we were told was that TLs are now basically demoted to glorified phone monkeys. We are expected to spend 20% of our time taking calls, 80% of our time coaching and sitting with our agents. So precisely when we're supposed to do the grievances, investigations, disciplinaries, rehab, IPI, recruitment and training, I have no idea. We are "allowed" to log on for only the first hour of every day and then we have to turn our PCs off and not be at our desks. This means that an agent in need of a TL can never reliably find one. "I need an escalation for this customer, boss." "Sorry, I'm being paid £18k to sit and answer enquiry calls that a temp on £4.50 per hour could handle."

Mood amongst the TLs is understandably bleak. But not only this, we were also informed 2 weeks ago that there would be an organisational restructuring and that redundancies were likely. Having announced this, they then declined to brief out the actual changes until last Friday. The news is grim. 60 jobs are at risk of which 30 people will be retained, but they have to reapply for their jobs, meaning they will be placed on a Capita contract instead of remaining on their DSG one, and have to go over to Capita pay scales. Management levels are being cut to around 35% of what they were. HR are losing over 50% of their staff.

Now I'd be the first to admit that there have been positions in the call centre that can be eliminated. However, the way they have handled the communication has been fucking appalling. Bonnie, one of the support managers, was sent a mail to book the meeting times into the system. Unfortunately someone left an attachment on the bottom which detailed exactly whose jobs were at risk, and Bonnie's name was on it. HOW FUCKING MUCH does that suck?

The Capita "suits" were too chicken (or too busy, in their parlance) to brief us lowly TLs, so they left it up to our business ops manager, Mark - who had just been told his job was going. Nice! To his credit, Mark handled it with the professionalism which I would expect of him, but it's clear that all the managers from TM up are pissed off and unsettled. It's a complete bummer, because the managers in our dept are really good. And even when we lose some of them, we may end up also losing the ones that stay to other departments, because I'm sure the sadistic suits will redeploy people just to make them even more uncomfortable.

And the final insult, on top of all this, they have culled the harmless bunny rabbits that live in a warren just outside the site. We're not sure whether they used traps or poison, because nobody's talking. To be fair I don't know if this was an edict from Capita or from the facilities manager, who has always been a twat, but what was the point? What did those rabbits ever do to anyone? Bastards!

And finally...

Had my follow-up hospital appt on Monday to get the results of my HSG. Consultant said there were no obvious blockages (which I knew) but said it was noted that I have an extremely small uterus. So he wants to do a hysteroscopy to take a look and make sure I haven't got any adhesions, etc. This will be a daycase under general aneasthetic. :-p It's booked for August 19th and I have the following week booked off work anyway. Not quite sure how I feel about this yet but I have to get off to work now, so more later, probably...

Time for an update while I try out some lightsets in Poser... Love the UD lighting but it take for-fucking-ever to render.

God... now like a fucking nerd I am pissing about with the Python script buttons. Talk about taking an hour to try and save myself 10 seconds... oh well, I learned something along the way!

Anyway, here's the last couple of weeks in short form.

( A Big Row )

( Fertility Decision )

( You Little Arsonist )

( A Proposal )

So that's about it really, I could do with a nice quiet week now. However given that I took (I think) 10 escalations today, and did a disciplinary which was a potential dismissal, and have another to do tomorrow, I doubt I'll get it at work. Let's hope it's peaceful on the home front...

So, we had our appointment at fertility clinic up at the Jessop Wing yesterday. Had to take Simon with us as he's not back to school til today >.<

The doctor seemed okay although not really interested, I have to say, but then I suppose when you're dealing with 100s of patients a month, you can't really get personally invested in each one.

He has recommended a HSG for me. This is a hyterosalpingogram, a fancy name for an x-ray of the womb and fallopian tubes. It's done in the same method as a barium enema (though without the enema part thanks fuck), they inject a dye into the womb and flood the tubes, via a small catheter introduced by speculum. A bit icky I suppose but probably not much worse than a smear test. They said it can cause period-type cramping for a day or so afterwards. I don't usually get much cramping so hopefully it won't be too bad. (Although my boss told me a couple months ago that when she had an HSG she ended up in hospital for a week afterwards because she developed an infection. Ouch. Cheers for that happy thought, Juliette!)

The appointment should be within the next couple of months, according to the doctor, and then I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in April.

Thing is, if there are no problems shown by that, then that's it for us, no further investigations or help are available - because we have Simon. The NHS will not fund IUI or IVF if either partner already has a child. That fucking sucks! So just because I was foolish - or brave - enough to fall in love with someone who already had a child, to take on another woman's son, I get no help trying to have one of my own.

We also found out from the doc that Pat's sperm count is very high, so Pat has started referring to himself as "super Sperm" LOL.

So I am hoping like mad that the HSG shows something up, because then it's something that can be fixed. But I think the chances of that are very low - I am so regular, no abnormal pain or cramping, no abnormal bleeds. So we will be left in the abyss of "unexplained infertility".

I am trying not to let my hopes collapse but at the same time not to hope too much, if that makes sense. Anyway I'd better get ready for work. :-(

Had our doc's appointment this morning to get the results of Pat's sperm test. Unfortunately we had to see Dr North as Dr Turner was unavailable. It's unfortunate because we have established a good rapport with Dr Turner and I always feel he is genuinely concerned and wants to help. Anyway, after waiting for 40 minutes past our appointment time, we finally got in to see her.

Pat's results: he has good volume but motility is just slightly lower than expected. This shouldn't impede our chances but does mean we should cut it down to every other day around ovulation rather than daily, as we have been. So now I'm being referred to the Gynae dept at the hospital (the GPs can't refer direct to fertility). So I have to wait for that appointment to come through.

So in truth, it is quite a positive step on the road, but I felt really pissed off at a couple of things the doctor said. First of all she said, "well, it's not been two years yet, you know it can take up to two years..." No, actually, 80% of couples conceive within the first year, and when I first went to see you at 10 months, you talked about it taking a year. So I felt like she was trying to fob me off. Then she said that since Pat already had children, we would not be considered a priority case, or something along those lines. WHAT!?! Just because I choose to marry a man who already had kids, and take on a stepchild, that means I'm not supposed to want my own or something??? It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life.

Then she said, "Try not to worry about it, relaxing will improve your chances." ARRGGGH!! Do people have any idea how fucking patronising and irritating this is?? I feel like saying, "Well, I tried relaxing for the first year, but that didn't work. Any further suggestions?" or "If I had a lump on my breast, would you tell me to to relax, it'll sort itself out?" Then she asked if I was charting, and when I said yes, she said, "Well you could give it a miss now until the appointment comes through, that's probably adding to your worry. Fantastic! I'll just muddle along without a clue of when ovulation might be, so that we miss our best dates, shall I? And how, pray tell, is that going to increase our chances, doctor?

Anyway, I didn't say anything in there... what's the point, the impression I always get from her is that you're just another number, "Appointment number six" and she's not even thinking of you as a person. She cannot seem to grasp that I feel time is running out for me, it's like she thinks I'm just a neurotic, whigeing female. I'm probably being unfair, but that's the impression she gives off.

So we got out of there, and Pat was trying to cheer me up and get me to look at the positives, i.e. one possible cause eliminated, on the road for next appointment, etc. But I was really upset and cried most of the way to work, and when we got there I sat and cried for about 5 minutes. I know I am very emotional today anyway because my period's about to start, but I feel if we had seen Dr Turner, then I would have been fine - I would have been happy for him to refer me to Gynae and felt, yep, we're moving on this. But that bitch really pissed me off!

So, Pat went off on the tram into town for some shopping (suits for him and Simon, for Sheila's funeral on Friday). I went into work and I was okay within an hour or so.

Well, I'm off to bed shortly. I was so tired this morning that I nearly feel asleep at the wheel getting Simon to school, I had to have a real coffee before we went to the doctor's to wake myself up. Tablets will be kicking in any moment now.... zzzzzzzzz

Bloody hell I'm knackered this morning and not really sure why. Bed at about 11pm last night, up at 5.45am... that's about usual when I'm on earlies but I feel completely wiped.

Hope I'm not coming down with whatever Pat's got - he's not been too well at all the last week. It's mainly his back which is really painful but I think (hope) it's being caused by a cold/flu, since all his joints are aching. If he's no better by Monday then I'll make him go to the doctor.

I'm full of cold and my eyes are totally bloodshot, so much so that people keep asking me if I've been crying! I haven't looked this rough since I was last drinking heavily!

Anyway I'm just killing time at work here as I have an investigation to do at 11, which hopefully will be a quick one. Then lunch at 11.30, then an action plan to give someone which is going to go down like a lead balloon :-\ Oh well... work has been pretty busy this week, Monday brought a million escalations, Tuesday the investigation which I am picking up again today, yesterday was just full of little petty things to sort... Bonus this morning - been here 2 hours and no escalations yet, so things are looking up (famous last words).

No hope of being pregnant this month as my boobs are aching already - also I think I got my ovulation date wrong so our timing wasn't the best. Bummer. Pat has had his semen analysis appointment put back to the first week of November, which is highly inconvenient as that's going to be around ovulation time >:-[

BONUS -looks like I am required to cover Floor manager this afternoon, so that's even less escalations I'll have to take. I know when I came down here I said I had missed taking escalations, but I've kind of got bored of them again. I don't mind the talking-to-arseholes bit but when there's something I've got to follow up, I end up with loads of them and then forgetting to do something or not having time for something else on my schedule.

Well, better do some kind of work for the next hour...

Well, went to the doctor's yesterday to get my blood test results. They came back showing that I am ovulating, which was no surprise given that I've charted all the "symptoms" of ovulation for the last 2 cycles. So the next step is for Pat to have a sperm analysis, which the doc has done a referral for. So we have to wait for that to come through... by the time the results of that are back, we will have been trying for over a year, although I told the doc we'd already been trying for a year when I saw him last month, so I will keep up that little fib, because usually they won't start testing in our area until 18 months. So by the New Year they will hopefully start the serious testing.

Poor Pat is really suffering from not having caffeine, I told him once I am pregnant he can go back to drinking *some* caffeine but not his previous 12 cups a day :D

Simon is not well - he came home from school yesterday with a temp of 103, and it is still 102 now. So he's home from school today. He's been up a couple of times in the night, so I'm fucking knackered, but can't phone for parental leave - I've just got too much on my bloody plate at work for today. The last couple of days have been murder, only 4 TLs in, including 2 TTLs (trainees) and I've been rushed off my feet, which isn't all bad as it means I haven't had time to sit around moping. Have got a bastard case to continue dealing with today though and a right shithead to phone back this afternoon.

Oh well better get on...