I am about to ring into work sick for the 4th working day.

I tried to return to work last Friday but had to pull over twice on the way in as I thought I was going to throw up. After going home I got more migraine precursors and more head pain, which continued into Saturday.

Yesterday I felt a little better and Pat commented that my colour was improved.

However this morning I feel awful again. Pat was snoring all fucking night to the point where eventually I just got up and came downstairs at around 5am because I thought I was going to smother him. I reckon I have probably had about 3 hours sleep, tops. I'm at the point where I'm just crying with frustration and exhaustion.

In November last year, I went dahn sahf to visit Mum and Moggy and do some Xmas shopping. On my journey home I picked up a bucket of KFC for us.
Pat bit into a piece and loosened his two bottom front teeth on a bone. (Why he didn't realise it had a bone in it is not a question I'm prepared to tackle.)
After faffing about for a month he finally went to the dentist the week before Xmas and had the two teeth out.
That's when he started snoring. Because his mouth was painful so it was hanging open, I suppose.
Then our bed started falling apart so Pat ended up sleeping on the sofa for a fortnight anyway until we got a new one.
Now we have the new bed, he is coming to bed every night and driving me crazy with his snoring!

What can I do? If he gets false teeth, you can't wear them overnight anyway, so that won't help.
I don't want to relegate him to the sofa every night and we don't have a spare room, so it's not like I can just go and move elsewhere when he starts. And I can't sleep on the sofa because it kills my back.

Let's just look at my woes:
Exhausted; lack of sleep
At least 4 stone overweight
Blood pressure too high
Chronic back pain (medicated)
Carpal tunnel syndrome (medicated)
Intermittent mastalgia
Lost interest in sex
Can't concentrate
Seem to be either crying or losing temper all the time
Infertile
And to top it off, have just discovered what looks like a ringworm patch on my shoulder.

Now, does that all sound it could come under the aegis of "stress-related illnesses"? Yes, I thought so.

When I get headaches, I have to be careful what I take anyway, because of my medications for my back and wrist pain. I'm already on codeine phosphate, amytriptyllin and diclofenac. So I can't take any extra anti-inflammatories. Codeine unfortunately can often cause or worsen headaches in the course of treating the pain it's aimed at, so I've tried skipping that for the last few days but have ended up feeling as if someone replaced my spine with a length of rusty barbed wire. (Naturally this didn't manifest itself until we were in Morrisons yesterday.)

Well, I have phoned in to work and spoken to my mate Oona which at least has cheered me up a bit cos she knows where I'm coming from with the back pain, and with the snoring since her husband is a pain with it too!

Got a doctor's appointment for 3.55 today so will see what s/he says... Never seem to see the same doctor twice at our surgery which is a bit disconcerting... Hope they don't send me for an ECG again...

I got up this morning, opened my email program on the way past my office, started down the stairs... tripped and went bang smack on my coccix! Aaarrrrgggghhhh it fucking hurts!! Have had loads of drugs and Pat's TENS unit on it but still really painful. I went back to bed for about 3 hours earlier cos the drugs knocked me out, and when I got up after that it was AGONY so I think I'm in for a really shit night :-(

Well, I ended up with a recorded verbal warning for my poor attendance levels. Which is fair enough and probably what I would have given had I been in my usual position on the other side of the table! It'll be on my file for 6 months, and in that time I have to have no more than 2 occasions of absence and/or 17 working days.

After that, of course, my absence will be supposed to be in line with company guidelines - no more than 2 occasions/7 days in a year. Hah! I really don't think that's achievable to be honest, but we'll see: perhaps the weight coming off will improve my back sufficiently. But ultimately I have to remember that I have this back problem for life and am therefore likely to be signed off more than the national average. Maybe that means the company doesn't want me: if so, their loss.

Maybe I should apply to be classified as disabled. Then the company would be unable to discipline me for any back-related absence. Hey, that's not a bad idea... but I don't want to be assessed and prodded by yet another bloody doctor right now.

I was going to chuck a duvet day today, but I fucked up the calculations - I'm not entitled to one until 2 weeks time. I also can't use it after my trip to mum's as we're not allowed duvet days on the day immediately following a bank holiday. Bummer!! So all yesterday I was thinking, "Oh well, only a few hours to go and then I'm off for 10 days!" and then when I realised I had to come in today I was like "Ohhhh.... waaaahhhh..."

Never mind, Saturday's are usually quiet and give me plenty of time to... well, surf, read and break the internet code of conduct, really. I shouldn't be doing this really at this time as there's supposedly a block on non-company-related sites due to this blaster worm thing and worries over our vulnerability. However everybody else does it so I shall too, haha.

Well as pretty much expected I had my investigation and it will be going to disciplinary over my large absence levels. So I've taken my lieu day today so I can get it over and done with on Friday, as I'm on holiday all the following week and I don't want to be on hols thinking "Oh shit I've got a disciplinary when I get back."

So we'll see what happens, in some ways getting a verbal will be a bit of a kick up the arse for me to find a better job, shame about losing my maternity benefits though!

And I am going to take a duvet day on Saturday :-p

Now off to Morrisons!

Back at work... well, I've been here about 4 hours and already I've had enough! It seems there are just 3 of us TLs here today so it's a damn good thing I came back! I've taken more escalations and questions than I can shake a stick at and I am nowhere near clearing all my e-mails yet!

Just had an informal meeting with my boss in which she advised that as I have now broken my action plan for absence, I will be in an investigation this afternoon with another TM and a HR bod. Erk. Hope I don't get a disciplinary over this but who knows? I already knew I was going to get this because prior to being off with the anxiety I had had 3 days sick with a fever, so that's by the by... I was certainly not going to drive to work with a temperature of 103 just for the sake of not getting investigated.

So maybe this will be the first step in me getting fucking disciplined and sacked from here for high levels of sickness... well if so, tough shit, I do not take sickies and I have done everything I can to minimise my absence... including losing 33lbs!

Oh well, we'll see what happens. Off to lunch now, I'm starving!

My back has been so bad the last couple of days (illness, stress, lack of sleep) that I went to the shop tonight and bought some beer. And furthermore, it was 6 cans of Stella for £6, so I ended up with 6. I know it sounds pathetic, but beer really does help relax it.

Dunt do much for the waistline though, does it?

Not sure what to do - my back is really hurting this morning, but if I have any more time off sick, I will get an investigation. Yesterday I took emergency leave to look after Pat as his knee and back were really bad. Should I do the same again today? It's not just my back, I feel generally crappy - blocked up, bloody thrush!! and very very tired. What to do? I will discuss it with Pat when I wake him up in 10 mins.

Things are still very up and down with us right now. Yesterday I took him to the doctor and Dr said he had a cyst behind his knee (under the skin) which had probably burst, and that's what's causing the knee pain. And just the fact of favouring his knee is pulling on his back, thus causing that pain. (Also I ascribe it to the massive shagging session we had on Saturday night while Simon was at Pud's, but that's another story!) Anyway the doctor prescribed him co-codamol tablets and as much rest as possible for at least a couple of days.

But every time the pain is bad for him, he gets very down mentally and emotionally and either becomes very very snappy and irritable, or gets very insecure and needy. It's bringing up a lot of survivor stuff for him as well, around vulnerability. I said to him that now he has a good idea how women survivors feel all the time, because realistically we know that 95% of blokes can physically overpower us if they want to. Although I must say when my back first became bad, I had real problems dealing with the vulnerability, knowing it would hinder me from being able to run or fight. Nowadays I think, well bollocks, I'd still have a go if push came to shove, especially to protect my loved ones.

Anyway then yesterday afternoon I had a wibble of my own as Simon came in while we were talking and climbed on the bed and started talking about me having a baby again. He said, "When you have a baby, it's made with love from both of you isn't it?" and I started getting all tearful at that because deep down I am convinced that it's just not going to happen and I am a big fucking failure on this count. Maybe we should just accept the fact that it's just not possible and leave it at that... but I know realistically that it hasn't even been a year yet, plus I was on the pill before we started which could take 6 months to clear my system.

Oh dear, what a post of gloom and doom. Well my back still hurts, so I'll get Pat up and see what he thinks about me getting another day off. Oh and of course it's Simon's birthday today as well so in half an hour or so it will be manic here :-)

Been back at work since Tuesday. My back was pretty painful but my period started yesterday so hopefully it will be a bit better now. I'm having the usual thing where I've been off for a few weeks when I can't get back in the habit of sleeping at night. I went to bed at half eleven last night but the previous night I was up til gone 1 o'clock. Good thing Atkins is giving me so much more energy! Of course it being Summer helps as well although it's very humid at the moment.

I've been walking every night this week - the first night just round the block but otherwise up to Bob's every night, which is a mile (I measured it in the car). Looking back on a few months ago, I'm managing it amazingly better. I used to get up there panting like a dog and running with sweat, even when it was freezing cold. Now I'm a little out of breath (which is good because otherwise I'm not exerting myself) and my body temperature is a bit higher. My heart rate isn't zooming alarmingly, either!

Work is pretty pants at the moment. I can't get motivated. They've got a new whizzy scheduling system in which takes away even more of our autonomy as team leaders. I suspect that they're working towards cutting down the amount of TLs. I just don't know what to do for the best. If I leave, I'm not going to get another job without lying about the amount of time off I've had. I'm going to have to find out if HR do give out that info when asked for a reference.

At home, all is bedlam since Simon is on half term - for two weeks. How come kids get longer holidays these days? We never got a fortnight for half term when I was at school. They still get over 6 weeks at summer, so it's not that. Linda phoned on Monday but didn't even speak to Simon, let alone say anything about having him down. All she did were moan about Martin not seeing Emily Rose, at which Pat said a) what the hell is she moaning to us for and b) what does she expect? I'd lay money that within a year she'll be pregnant again with this new bloke (if it lasts). That'll make 4 babies by four dads.

Anyway, time for another coffee and start getting my head together for work... :-p

We all have colds :o( Yes, I know it's Summer (or supposed to be). Pat's, of course, is aggravating his asthma. So it's all fun here.

Had an enormous fight with Simon last night. Their class had gone on a trip to "The Deep" (a huge seaquarium-type thingy in Hull). When Pat went to get him at normal school time, 3.15, they were finally told at 3.30, "Oh the coach is late, there's been a delay at the Deep, please come back at 4.30." All the parents started worrying because we saw the state of the coach in the morning and it was a T-reg - old style! That's over 30 years old! It looked like the rust was holding it together. Anyway, the coach eventually turned up at 5pm and Simon was in a bad mood, tired and irritable and pissed off. That little sod Aidan had been pushing everyone around all day and being disruptive so Simon and his friends didn't get to see a lot of what was going on. Then Simon bought a calculator in the gift shop and lost it :-( Despite frantic searching of the coach, it didn't turn up...

So I says to him about 7pm, "OK you can watch the Simpsons, then we'll do your reading and it's off to bed." Tantrum time - didn't want to do his reading. After a couple of minutes back and forth, I basically bullied him into it. He's doing his usual messing about when he doesn't want to be bothered, backchatting me and giving it mega attitude. So I slam the book shut and say, "Right, that's it, get to bed." I start writing in his record book, "Simon couldn't be bothered tonight..."

More screaming and shouting, I scream at Simon to get to bed, he is now grounded for 2 days (from watching cartoons). More shouting from him, now degenerating into sobbing. "I wanna do my reading, I'll get a bad grade..." --"We live in England Simon, we don't have grades." --"Well, I'll get a bad report, and then I'll do bad and won't get a good job, I wanna have a good job and a nice car and a girlfriend... waaahhhh..."

Obviously he took my lecture the previous night more seriously than I thought at the time ;-)

Anyway, I didn't back down, although I did say if he went to sleep and was good in the morning then I'd review the grounding, which I ended up taking off this morning (although it was a near thing, he was very mardy when I woke him up). I am just not putting up with his attitude anymore - I know he has a lot of issues with Linda going but I'm not having him taking it out on me and Pat, he is old enough now to understand control and manners.

Anyway, I went up to fetch him this afternoon and his calculator had been recovered - from another boy's desk. But was Simon moaning about him (Brandon?) No! "Brandon's my friend, I've forgiven him." It's not like the kid's given it back, you understand - the teacher did a desk search when she learned this morning that it hadn't turned up. Tried to talk to Simon about forgiving people and whether it's always a good idea or not, but I don't think it sunk in. Asked Simon if he said anything to Brandon. Simon apparently told him, "Brandon, what you wanna steal for? You know you'll never get a girlfriend like that, if you was a girl, would you want to go out with someone who stole stuff? And you know where you'll end up? Pr-i-son." --Precocious little devil...

So apart from all that, it's been a pretty boring few days. My back is still painful. I'm not sure when my period's due because I forgot to mark it last month, but I think in the next couple of days, so maybe that will relieve it some. I have been very good on the diet this week although again I haven't been able to exercise because I can't stand for more than about 2 minutes without the pain coming on really strong. Have been working quite a lot in Poser and got quite some good work done. Looking forward to getting it all together, but for now I'm off to play Sims for a bit :)

My back is still bad :-( Here comes another week off work. Last night I hardly slept at all with it although I felt very stressed as well - that cycle of, "Oh no, I must get to sleep or I won't be able to go to work!" and then worrying about that, thus keeping me awake and making me worry even more. Then the back waking me when I did drop off.

The pain is very draggy at the moment. Whenever I stand for more than about one minute it starts in and just gets worse and worse. Kind of like period pain in the manner of the ache. Sitting without moving frequently also hurts but in a different place :-S It was hell going round Morrisons on Saturday. And yesterday I was stood up for a good bit, preparing and cooking my tea (chicken stir-fry) and making some buns with Simon.

I keep twisting around in my chair and leaning back to try and ease it off but its not working. When I've taken Simon to school - I'm going to walk up in the vain hope that it'll ease if off some - I'll have a bath and hope that might do some good. --But then I've got to lean over the bath to wash my hair, oh fucksticks...

Well, in all the doom and gloom, I had one ray of light yesterday - on Saturday night I discovered that I could take off my jeans without undoing them, so on Sunday I thought I'd give some of my smaller clothes a try, and I managed to get back into my size 14 jeans!! OK they are stretchy Lycra ones so you can probably say they're really a 16, but that's still 2 sizes smaller than what I've been wearing! And no laying on the bed breathing in tricks to get into them, either, they went straight on. So at least even if I'm crocked up, I'm still losing weight!